in vain

In vain

I try hard

To make sense of life

To wake up each morning

With some expectations

But in my effort

Nothing suffices

I try hard

To smile genuinely

Without hidden agendas

Hatred or malice

But my eyes reflect

The depth of all

To live with love

But I was never

Lucky In love I was always

On the losing side of it

Always the fool

That took all the bull

To love life

But life always threw me

A backhand

Life was never fair

Now I walk with

My head bowed

And suffice it to say

I try no more

For all was in vain.

Ever since you died

EVER SINCE YOU DIED

Ever since you died

You lack the joy in your eyes

The smile on your lips

The love from your words

Ever since you died

I watch you

With a longing

Of yesterdays

With dreams of impossibilities

Ever since you died

Yesterdays seem so far

Tomorrows unforeseeable

Dreams too dark

Hopes only for authors

Ever since you died

I long for you back.

I wish for those memories.

Ever since you died

And I realized that

The you that died

Was the me that lived.

Black

Black

By my skin colour I am judged

It has always been

And it seems it will always be so

All they ever saw was black.

Not by my intellect

Not by my diplomas.

Degrees and Doctrates

Mean nothing to them

Because bottom line

I am a black Doctor

I am a Black CEO

A Black Manager

A Black Something

Before anything

Because being Black

Somehow is a comma

Before the continuation

The funny thing is

Even my own kind

See me as Black

Not just a person

But a Black person.

It is not the feeling of shame

That instills anger

But the connotations

Infringed with being Black

Bother me.

They hate me because

I am not as stupid

As they classified me to be

Not as Kaffir as they made me

I AM BLACK AND INTELLIGENT

BLACK AND PROUD

BLACK AND INDIVIDUAL

BLACK AND STUNNING.

The most

Miss you

I miss you the most

When I dream about you

When I am reassured of

Your presence in my life

When your warm smile

Fills my every sense

I miss you the most

When it seems you

Are there to take away

Every pain and collect

And control every tear

When for that time

All is at peace with my world.

I miss you the most

 When I wake up

And realize that it was nothing but a dream

When I see and feel the pain

The struggle of survival

When reality kicks in

That you are gone

And are never coming back

THAT is when I miss you

That is when I realize

How I wasted time

How stupid fights went on too long

How little time was between just us.

No turning back

No turning back

A glance back

Whatif’s and ifonly’s,

Did I’s, could I have’s?

Lost in a whispering wind

Of senseless wishes

Yesterday’s only day’s away

A kiss not received

A goodbye not uttered

A smile never made

An I love you not conveyed.

Sorrows long forgotten

Because yesterdays are gone

And are never coming back

The sweet tender touches

That were,

Now only beatings

Of so called love

Angers screamed

Kicks to the stomach,

Head, legs, chest.

It didn’t matter

Because warm embraces are no more

Sweet kisses non-existent.

Only his hate

And somehow I realize

Yesterdays are long gone

There simply was no turning back.